Letter Of Complaint

I was commissioned to write this complaint letter for some friends after their plans to visit me in Germany fell through due to a certain airline and its penchant for HIGHWAY ROBBERY.

And we're talking the type of highway robbery that doesn't leave one for dead; rather, leaves one wishing they were dead after having one's lunch money emptied from their pockets in front of all the mean kids that are still too big to beat up.

But mark my words, ONE DAY....

To Whom It May Or May Not Concern,

I have always sworn by RyanAir. Truthfully, there is no other airline on which one can arrive, relatively unscathed, at the final destination despite the fellow, flanking, drunken passengers, receive absolutely no form of sustenance with which to keep one's blood sugar from reaching dangerously low levels, and simultaneously purchase a teddy bear sporting the airline's logo in efforts to be left alone and avoid being pestered further to buy overpriced merchandise. 

But it's the initial ticket price, you see. 

It's akin to experiencing the Shakina Glory when one realizes that the possibility of traveling to see loved ones MIGHT actually be possible with an actual budget of We-Eat-Beans-And-Rice-Three-Times-A-Day. In all sincerity, the prices that RyanAir offers from the onset during a ticket search are almost sinful - they are really that appealing. 

Which is why I would imagine that 4.5 in 4.5 people have probably fallen for the same run-around that I was handed yesterday when I purchased my tickets to Frankfurt, Germany.

The starting price (I say STARTING) of 16 English Pounds for two tickets seemed really too good to be true but hey, I thought, it's RyanAir and, looking on the upside, if there is a souvenir that I can't find in Germany, I can probably find its equivalent on board? Sure why not. I had nothing to lose. 

The world was my oyster. 

I was walking on sunshine.

OH THE FOLLIES OF YOUTH.

After being smacked with an additional 19 Pounds for NOT carrying on any luggage.....Actually I would like to address that matter for just a moment.

It does not take a rocket scientist to ascertain that being charged for NOT adding any additional weight to an aircraft by NOT carrying on luggage would be just a teensy bit questionable: a concept of addition based on subtraction. 

It makes the idea of inhaling the equivalent of 19 Pounds worth of steak dinners directly before takeoff, one right after the other, rather appealing simply because then I would feel like I was bringing something along for which I had actually paid.

But that's no matter, right? The total still came to a whopping 35 Pounds and that still beats any other beverage-serving airline so I decided to ignore my complete and total confusion as a result of my lack of extra luggage and to push forward. 

But after realizing that the chosen dates for travel were not, in fact, compatible with my host's schedule, I made the call to RyanAir in order to make my inquiries regarding the cost to have a flight changed. 

96 Pounds.

I believe that really says it all but, if the morning coffee has not quit kicked in, I shall be glad to spell this out.

Allow me:

N-I-N-E-T-Y-S-I-X-B-L-O-O-D-Y-P-O-U-N-D-S.

This instance of Near Heart Failure was quickly followed by Red Red Rage. I'll try to explain:

Permit me to throw a hypothetical situation out here.

Let's say that you have this friend. This friend decides to purchase something over the Internet, the World Wide Web. This friend then comes to the portion of the story in which payment, an exchange of goods, must be made. Due to the fact that we, as consumers, are still lacking a handy little device attached to our computers in which we can slide money and kiss it goodbye on its way into cyberspace, what would you recommend to your friend that he or she do?

Let's say that I'm your friend. We're friends, right? Golly, I hope so. Well, regardless of our relationship, you'd probably recommend to me that I pay with a debit card. That's what I would recommend to my friends.

Then comes the Clincher. A 19-Pounder Clincher and I'm not talking about a fish either.

No. I'm talking about 19 Pounds for the use of a debit card.

I couldn't believe it either. But it's true.

19 Pounds for the use of a debit card.

I don't know who gets that 19 Pounds but I want to be the person that does ABSOLUTELY NOTHING and receives 19 Pounds every time someone use a debit card for an online payment simply because they have. no other. choice.

The analogy comes to mind of having my hands tied by force, being blindfolded and then made to pay for the fact that I was just tied-up and blindfolded when I had absolutely no say in the matter in the first place.

There are much better ways to enjoy being tied-up and blindfolded that people actually do pay for but I'm largely certain it has nothing to do with airline tickets.

That being said, I would only recommend using a debit card to someone if I truly and sincerely hated them considering the existence of a 19-Pound fee for the use of said debit card - because that's just mean-spirited. 

Surely you can then understand that I somehow feel that someone hates me.

And surely you can understand that I just don't darken the doorways where I'm not wanted.

Cheers, RyanAir.