Monday, July 12, 2010

Letter To My Doctor

Dr. --,

I always say "you are your biggest battlefield" and that is ringing so true for me at the moment.
The past couple days have been rough. I am seeing a great deal of improvement.
However... The more improvement I see, it seems the more the anxiety sets in and I just think, "but it will stop" or "but it will be back. It always comes back."

I read the foreword of the book that you sent me as soon as I got the package you sent.
That doctor tells the story of having gone to an internist and being sent away after hearing, "I can't help you."
I burst into tears after reading that bit.
See, I've always felt helpless when things would flare up, I would be bed-ridden for a few days, I wouldn't get any sleep, I'd go to the doctor and he would prescribe steroids or antibiotics (or psycho-therapy. yes. it happened.), or, like the last one, he would say, "and now you're cured!" and I was very much not cured and when I tried to contact him again, he just never got back to me.
So I've just always thought, as long as I can remember, that this is how it is. "It is what it is" my mother says for a lot of things and so I had decided that 'what it was' was a body that hated me.

Well now I am seeing these improvements and understanding a lot more of what is going on and really starting to wonder if things could just be normal for me. And stay normal.
I'm honestly very afraid to think or believe these things.
Disappointment is a vicious and unforgiving lady.

I know this is not much of a progress report. The subject line was very misleading.
I haven't mentioned any bathroom breaks but I assure you I'm still doing everything you told me - religiously. I'm sorry because it's probably wasting some of your time to read this malarkey.

I'm just losing the fight in me because I'm so desperately afraid of always being in the dark and one step behind the reason of why my body seems to hate me and I think I needed to tell someone who seems like they might know what I mean.
Know what I mean?

Anyway, thanks for reading. I hope you're well.
Expect a real progress report soon. Scout's honour.



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