Sunday, February 8, 2009

The Resumé Photo

I had heard of this back when I had to write my Curriculum Vitae/resumé in French class and our professor informed us that the blank space in the top, right-hand, corner of the resumé was to be for an attached photo.
This was, of course, met with unanimous disapproval.
Americans don't do the photo with the resumé. 
It's discrimination. 
It's not p.c.
It's unheard of. 
It's rude.  

The idea that the employer would want to see a photo of the applicant and would pit that against his/her credentials? 
Preposterous, we say!

Well folks - Americans may not do it but when in Rome?
Go get your §$%@§&$ photo taken with the rest of the Romans.

My impression of the Classic Applicant's Photo (from what I had seen till now) was an easy reminder of the worst nightmare I had ever had in which I dreamed that my arms were sawed off with a plastic spoon and I was then promptly beaten with my own elbows.

The Classic Applicant's Photo is really the polite version of what one would look like after having a long, metallic object lodged, for an ungodly amount of time, into a part of the body that is never and has never and will never be a friendly environment for the object in question.

The C.A.P. is best taken when the aforementioned applicant has had a long night of drinking beforehand, when the circles under the eyes are at peak performance, and when the "photographer" doesn't mention taking the photo but, instead, does the deed and catches the applicant's best impression of the trash-can player from Slipknot artistically strained across his/her face.

Take Number One's 'success' is 100% guaranteed to horrify the photographer and result in an intensifying of the already sweatin'-to-the-oldies-richard-simmons-style lighting situation or your money back. 
They call this specific type of lighting "modern" and it just brings to mind that fine line we walk between Art and Torture By Cruel and Inhumane Means.

Well, any poor, misguided soul understands that:
football stadium lighting + a winning hangover = ability to bite straight through one's shoes... one should not be surprised when seeing the C.A.P. and the fact that the first words that come to mind might be "extreme trauma" and "death of a soul" as this is - achieved only through severe pupil dilation - the actual, desired effect for the most successful outcome.
Translation: employers eat this up.

The C.A.P. is then promptly shipped to every prospective employer within three different time zones and 18 different official languages so - let's get this straight - these people really. know. who. you. are.

at least who you really are before. consumption. of. morning. coffee. 
but seriously kids, this is not some prom queen nomination. 
this is employment. 
get with the program.

--I had to finally cave and have the C.A.P. done of myself this past week. 
The experience was, thanks to my week of fasting, cleansing, and (ahem) flushing out of my system, somewhat tame compared to being beaten with my own elbows.
I had nothing to "lose" you see. 

I was gently informed that my smile seems a bit "off" but, all things considered, I look at this as somewhat of an accomplishment considering the other specimens of the C.A.P. that I have seen and the fact that I have found myself comparing them to the 'after' photos of lobotomy patients. 



Anonymous said...

Bah! This is a fine photo of you. Don't listen to the haters. Just love it and enjoy eating again.

Love, Life, Julie said...

La la la. I agree with Sarah.